there are just times that all you want to do is to cry. times when you really feel down, times when you really miss some people who are dear to you. times when you feel you are alone, times when you really to miss the old place.

learning

I will try to write about the things I learned, learned again and want to learn for the last twenty four hours.
today august 26, 2013, I want to learn how to express myself and my thoughts.

july 20 2013
2:38 am

i'm back!
i just want to share a part of me, though I am not yet ready to expose my true identity-not that brave enough. I 've been living to live out the expectations of the people around me. this turned me into a depressive, unhappy and confused individual. I don't trust anyone as a result there's no one i can turn to when i needed someone to hear the truth in my story. whenever I am in that state I crave for something to eat and I ate ffood that appeals to me, spent all my money. there are times that i am want to please everyone arounds me so that they will like me, they will not turn their back on me. but then it never happened. people still leave me alone.

most of the times, people appreciates me but I am not glad instead i am feel ashamed because I know in myself that it's not the real me. the Ideas are not really mine, I got it from someone or somewhere else. sometimes i transpose them sometimes i just relay them.


I am jealous with people who have someone who can expressly show and vocally say that they are loved and cared by someone. I don't have one. It might be because I am not that kind of person too.

there are things that i need to be and i want to be but i never was. I am not disciplined. I dont know how to manage my time. i dont know how to prioritize things. I don't have the needed confidence. I don't know how to read with comprehension. I wasn't able to live out the words i tell to myself to do. I suck  and  I hate this reality

SAD

I AM SUPER DRAINED. ALL I WANT TO DO IS TO SLEEP. BUT I AM A STUDENT AND I SHOULD ACT AS ONE.

parents

june 26, 2013
journal entry #3
 i am not that productive today.

there's one thing I realize, I am blessed that I was raised by my parents the way they did. I am concious that they are not the best, they are not the greatest but then they are amazing as they are..

How about you?

till next post, good night

journal entry number2

I am  late.

this is my entry for june 25th, 2013

since, i was hooked up playing candy crush in my fb account, I was not that productive today. good thing is, i finished all the 50 challenges and I told myself to stop playing  so that i can focus more on my studies, especially I am being paid to study. Hope I can make it ( crossfingers).

while in school,I was walking towards our classroom when I pass by a CUTE guy, though he is not that handsome but he is attractive. that made my day. 

In class, we watched a film that  portrays voodooism and zombie-ism. at first i found it creepy, but in the long i started  grasp the interplay between culture and medicine. I hope i can make a good analysis of the movie since we are required to submit a 2 page reflection cum analysis paper. by the way, there is another paper that must be submitted tomorrow, i mean later today (its past one am here). this is more related to statistics, i haven't done it yet as I am still contemplating what to do.  if there is someone who is willing to help I'd surely be grateful.   

As much as possible I want it to be chronological but then, things are just coming out.

after watching the movie, we, my classmates and I, decide to ate dinner outside. all agreed however we always have a hardtime deciding where to eat. we invited one of the student from higher batch since he was also there. We ate, had some funny moments like jokes and chit-chats. In passing majority of my male classmates are gays, so there are no dull moments with them.  In relations to that, there is an on going TV series in the philippines that tackles  about or centers on gay relationships. Two of my gay classmates, I should consider them as my friends already. ( I had a hard time tagging people as my friends sometimes it takes me years). They were talking about it and trying to make me part of their discussion. as for me, i really had no idea about it, what they did was they really encouraged me to watch it, in which I did.  before writing this journal I am halfway through watching two episodes, the plot is still unusual and kinda interesting to watch. I might continue to watch the succeeding episodes. I think the philippine society is starting to evolve and is now  becoming more open to this reality.

in reality, i still have some paper works to do . so that is all for now, hope i can get some feedback. till next posts

a beautiful ugly

an ugly truth is better than a beautiful lie.
just a moment ago, i realized this phrase. I read in one of the comment in facebook that, she needs to hide an ugly truth about their family. For me truth is something that should not be kept and be ashamed of. Much more to coat it with shining shimmering beautiful lie. the lie no matter how close to the truth is still a lie. it can damage one's reputation, especially that of who tells it. telling a lie or making stories about a person has never been good as expectations either positive or negative are being set. I am disappointed with self tagged professionals that they resort in doing this but i am more disappointed with couples who tend to be ashamed of the ugly truth in their relationship. making their partner believe that they are okay, they moved on or that they already have an agreement however when she/he bumped with her/his friends acquaintance either in person or in social networking sites she/he start to share a bit of their condition then tagged it as an ugly truth..and hide it.
if this reality continues to exist, an individual cannot be trusted and one's sincerity can be questioned. I believe that  no matter how painful the truth is still the most beautiful thing to learn about. just to share, I have been saved several times by telling the truth and not sugarcoating my mistakes or flaws. so maybe, relationship can also be saved by telling the truth and not with beautiful pretense.

journal entry 1

This will be my second post
It comes into my mind that I should start writing a daily journal so as to improve my writing skills and be able to assess what happened in my day. the truth is I never had a diary in my entire life. so i am quiet excited to have one. This will serve as my on-line journal. just a warning, there might be some grammatical errors and incoherence. My apologies. This is because i don't want to have a draft because I am afraid that I might change my mind and not to post it anymore. this has been my problem since elementary days, whenever there's a writing assignment, any kind from essay to research papers, I keep on revising upto the point of not finishing anything. Or the moment I already have a draft, I decided not to submit it because I found them insensible or not good at all. To avoid that from happening and as much as possible to prevent over editing on my part to the point of moving away from what i intend to share, i will post whatever I have written.
this i think will make  more responsible and more careful in writing. this allow my mind to be more organize in the long run.

Journal entry #1
today june 24, 2013 is manila day and at the same time feast of saint john the baptist.
We have no class, so I am quiet glad that I'd stay home. I woke up late and washed my laundry. after that, I started reading the book entitled ' Generation Rx' by Greg Critser which I bought last Saturday in Booksale for just P10. The book is all about the business and evololution of pharmaceuticals and its negative implications to the lives of the people. although, it is not part of the reading assignment in any of our subjects I find it as a good reference. I haven't done reading it yet.

since, we have no class, me and my uncle had fried fish for lunch. I've been here in manila for just more than  month and I am really craving for fish as part of my meal. ( i grew up in a province where seafoods are somewhat abundant and not so expensive). after, lunch i opened my mail and voila! i found out, we need to go to quiapo to do some sociological observation. I'd never been to quiapo so I am quiet excited and scared of what we are going to do there. I already asked my other uncle to accompany me there and he agreed but then he need to go home in the province, hopefully he can come back before saturday. one thing, I don't like with this activity is that there's a required reflection paper. I don't like it because i don't now how to make one. I guess it is really true that we are afraid of things that we don't know. sigh. But then, i need to do it as it is part of my contract as a student. I just hope to have a good learning experience.

in the afternoon, i slept instead of just taking a nap. it feels so good especially if you there's a merienda being prepared. My Uncle cooked something for his children who arrived from school and since i am here, i am also included. then his wife arrive with vegetables from the market. she asked me to cook sinigang, I am not a good cook, i just know how to cook simple dish. the problem is that the sinigang i know is different from the sinigang they know. I wanted to ask my uncle on how to cook it but then his wife might not going to eat the viand.  My uncle and his family has a weird living arrangement. hmmm might as well have an article about them, maybe next time. there story might have a lesson to learn for those who have similar experiences.

I just hope that everything turns out well. till next post
have a good night

moving out of the box

It was years ago when I created this account but had never posted anything. I have my plenty of hesitations in a lot of things, first is that I might post something that is senseless, second in the last minute i find my article to be publish as not so good for people to read and am afraid on how readers will react, third I am not confident with my writing skill especially my grammar. But then, if I will never try I will never get realize my dream that is to publish something...

from now on I will be  posting, randomly, some of my thoughts, opinions and reflections and reactions about something. I don't want to scared anymore, I don't want to keep them to myself only.Also, I know by posting and being open to comments and criticisms, I will improve and will be braver.

hope there is someone out there who will take time and read my posts and helped me improve and gets closer to my dream.

I want to began with some of my poems, I don't have finished articles yet.

This, I considered as my sonnet

In the peck of time with no reason why:

Lips are stretch and share sweet smiles,

Happiness in eyes no one can deny.

Through the years we‘ve toddled thousands of miles

Glorious piece of daily escapade

Throughout the blossoming season of spring.

Hearts will stay as one, smile will never fade

These remain whatever future may bring

Grand castles of dreams that were built for free

Near the ocean, where we used to play and stay

Like the summer days of Tamarind tree

Slowly, envious waves will wash it away.

As time soon to end, we will be apart

Eternally you reside in my heart.

next is  a VILLANELLE:

                                                            Untold Story

Only the pen knows what happened

With the pretty little girl fears

In the paper it was written

The small body shaken

And the eyes drop crystal tears

Only the pen knows what happened

The time was past eleven

The night air whispers

In the paper it was written.

 She cautiously listens

To the sound she hears

Only pen knows what happened

To the songs of the wren

And million blank stares

In the paper it was written

Soon it will end

Just like her nightmares

Only the pen knows what happened

In the paper it was written.

BALLAD:

Home Away

Early in the morning I left my mother’s arm

Thrilled to walk down the road

Morn dew gives life to the green grass of farm

After a mile, I am at the crossroad.

I chose the left side where I’m not alone

The sun is up and the road is full of stone

But the blissful heart never noticed

After a mile, I am at the crossroad.

I take the way which is reverse of the first

 Bushes left no dew as my throat felt the thirst

 Sun is straight on my head and burns my skin

After a mile, I am at the crossroad.

The rocky road gnawed my strength

Rip off my slippers and sore my sole

It’s getting dark and I need to keep on walking

After a mile, I am at the crossroad

And saw no one to lead me home

Persist to step my tired legs at no direction

 All I want is to sleep in my mother’s womb

                                             After a mile, I am at the crossroad

 I would be happy to read comments or criticisms. till next posts